If You Mess With My Kids I Will Cut You...

Yes, these last couple of posts have been a little bit angry. So I'm just warning you that if your looking for my blog to be sunshine and popsicles, puppies, rainbows and furry kittens, you might want to skip ahead to a couple weeks or so down the road to a less angry style of my blogging. However, I'm not making any promises, we'll have to see. Back to the cutting. I'm not a cutter, nor have I ever cut anyone, let's just make that really clear. Yes, I did get into a few small fights when I was younger but HELLO, they were just with my sibling and that really doesn't count. I'm not really a scrapper either, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.  NOTHING brings out my need to go all gangster and use words like "cut you" more that someone messing with my kiddos. I'm not super mom, and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I'm also not a rookie. OK you get the point. So I'm just gonna break this down for you all one hilarious step at a time. Recently, Mr. No has decided that he is just going to you know "couch surf" on different people's couches until he finds somewhere that feels right for him..No, it gets better. He then proceeds to tell me that he will be staying in his friends basement, basically a dark closet with one small window, on his weekends that he is "supposed" to be taking care of our baby...Who mind you is barely over a year. Now he has decided that in the "pursuit of happiness" it's completely cool to move in with some random chick and expose my child to this!! I hope he finds happiness, I truly do.  However, am I really being crazy or is stability overrated?  Anyway, the best way to handle this is just to laugh. I also have really great friends who are worth their weight in gold...or tequila. Lastly, I have decided that life sometimes throws you curve balls, but at this point I could catch a flaming curve ball, standing on my head with my eyes closed, backwards.
Conclusion: As much as I wanna get on board and embrace the hippie lifestyle and make baby beds out of roll out couches while tye dying slip on couch covers and weaving hemp into reusable diaper covers..the answer is still no. Stability IS NOT overrated. Get a clue sir. Inappropriate.

PS-If you wanted to become a nomad and live life so "freely", you might want to make sure you don't have a child with someone who is not afraid to use the terms "I Will Cut You."

Going Apeshit? Perhaps....

Can I say that? Well guess what, I just did. So..truly. What pushes the overacheiving single mom to this level of crazy? I think it's different for every mom. Some moms can handle more than others, but I'm guessing that for many single mom's their tolerance is higher than most. Tonight I was pushed to my limit. Yes...tonight my family brouht their A game. It went a little something like this. First, the older kids were out of school. Yes, I enjoy them. Yes, I miss them when their gone in school. Yes, it throws an unexpected wrench in my day when I forget they don't have school. Next, the baby has a fever..Crap. Is it lowgrade? I have to work tomorrow. The last time I checked, sitter's don't normally take sick babies (Duh)...Hmmm, maybe the policy has changed since I had my older kids. Ok..keep an eye on it..Maybe it will resolve, miraculously. Later in the day, a doctor's appointment for me. No, I can't miss it, it's for something important (sigh.) Which means, my mom comes over to baby sit while I go. Of course, after I make a crock pot meal for dinner and feed some of it to the baby I'm bouncing on my hip..Who is now sporting a mid grade fever. The higher fever earns him a dose of the purple fever reducing medicine. This is a two person job, to get him to swallow it and keep it down. When I ask for help from both the older kids they make eye contact, but they both let me know "how busy" they are doing homework and other sorts of school related activities. Dang it!!! Beaten by my own do your homework game!! Let's pause for a moment of silence...Whoa. At this point, all of my hopes that it might just be a low grade fever related to teething go right down the drain. I decide to wing it and solo wrestle  their brother down with a medicine syringe in my hand, to given him the goods.  Next comes football practice. My mom drops him off and I will pick him up later. My mom is definitely helping out and taking one for the team, and that's awesome,  but it turns out he was 40 minutes late to practice. Did I mention I gave her directions and she is even more directionally challenged then I am? Did I also mention that our group of coaches are like football Nazi's and there is some NO LATE TO PRACTICE RULE that they are always bringing up. We are not usually that late, most is about 5 minutes. However, I would of loved any of them to come over and start small talk about the importance of being on time to me; because it would of been like walking into a cave full of sleeping bears guarding their young. That is comparible to how I felt today. I think he sensed it, he made eye contact and looked away. Home finally. Next comes baths, snacks and the recheck of the baby's temperature. 103? Say what? I just treated it..holy balls. Popsicle, lukewarm bath for both of us (poor baby is extra clingy when he's sick.) Multitasking like a mo- fo I grab my phone and send a text to his father about taking off work to take care of the baby.(I'm sure you know how this is gonna turn out.) Reply, "Um, I'm sure we can work something out, I mean we'll see." REALLY, REALLY? I have to be at work in 10 hours...again REALLY? Flash forward..switching a day to later in the week to cover my shift, someone is looking out for us up there. 2 hours later..baby's temperature broke and he is resting comfortably in my bed, of course. Yes Indeed,  this could have turned into a lose my sanity and go apeshit kind of night really fast, but it didn't and HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART..WHAT HELPS TO CURE THESE RANDOM BOUTS OF ANXIETY DRIVEN CRAZY...(for me anyways.)
1. Watching massive amounts of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. You can't even fathom the amount of laughter you will get from this show. Truly.
2. Medication. If your on some that is doctor prescribed DO NOT MISS A DAY. That shiz is like gold right now.
3. Caffeine. The soccer moms drug of choice. There is nothing else quite like it. However, you probably shouldn't do more than 10 cups of any caffeinated beverage during the day.
4. A glass of wine, occasionally. Don't buy the Franzia wine in the box kind. That pour spout is so much easier to use then taking the cork on and off repeatedly. You will find yourself down a whole box of Franzia and standing naked in your back yard. Overall, it might be cheaper to buy wine in a box but it's just not worth it.  Like I said, stick to the corked varieties.
5. If all else fails, screaming. But wait until your kids are in bed and sneak down to the basement and do like a modified version of it as not to scare the crap out of them. You also don't want to just start screaming at the top of your lungs randomly. If this happens your neighbors will either think you are getting robbed or possibly have you committed. Either way, not a good idea.
6. And for me..letting it work its way out of my system, usually in some form of journaling, writing or blogging. Hitting the publish button for me is like a Calgon take me away moment for others. It all just starts to fade away into the background, and then I can RELAX for now. :) ;)

Going Out..Girls Gone Childless!!

Yes a rareity.. I finally had some free time to go out. When I say "out" I mean out to dinner with a girlfriend. I went out with my friend Willow. She's another single mom who has been rocking that status for years. She totally has it together..works full time, mom full time, still makes time for herself, with just a little help from her family. She's a really cool girl too. She's that mom who is always going to trendy fairs, psychic shows and new age stores where they sell crystal rocks, voodo dolls and assorted astrological jewelry. One time she even read my palm!! So...we went to dinner and after a few drinks started the ritualistic chatting about the boys. I mean men, not our little ones (although I think little boys is a fair term sometimes.) Which led us down the line to the future and when we grow old and all that it entails.
 Basically..bottom line we broke it down to 5 things:
 A. If need be, it's ok to be a Wickan.
 B. Cat's are the old womens pet of choice (although I'm currently down a cat and I'm not going back.)
 C. Sometimes, you just don't have the energy to shave your legs to go out, and that's okay too.
 D. It's better to walk the world alone than to settle with bullshit on a daily. Willow you see..is very wise, and has never settled for anyone elses BS...for too long, that is. And finally...
 E. We're both pretty awesome, and have awesome kids!!
 It was really soooooo great to see her . I love being around her and all of her peace loving energy she gives off. She truly is one of the coolest moms I know. We also decided that we need to start this "girls gone childless" routine monthly. Stay tuned for future excitement.
PS..If I decide to go the Wickan route I hope they have a website on where to purchase rediculously awesome brooms...I'm just saying.

Tears In My Beer (or Vodka)

Today while having a conversation with a friend who is also going through a rather hard time (let's call her Mystical) I started balling and told her "I'm getting a divorce." It came out of nowhere. Like I said before I have been a master at hiding my emotions from people, almost like a soothsayer, and to her it was completely unexpected. I don't really know what happened. I think I was feeling some of her grief and I was listening to her talk and all of a sudden I felt like I really needed to just get it out. Then I felt guilty because of her horrible, horrible situation. It was good though..to walk through our  grief together and to talk about it. Flash forward...I come home later after work to an empty house(first weekend with Mr. No.)  I know to a lot of mothers this would be a GODSEND!!! However, my baby is still young and we as mothers (most of us anyway) are not wired to be away from them at such an early age. It's kind of unnatural. So I did what all moms do in a time of crisis and stopped and got junk food, a movie AND skinny girl drinks from Walgreens of course. And let me just clarify, that I think it would be totally worth the extra calories to drink regular vodka because whoever said this skinny girl vodka drink is great didn't taste it. So needless to say that yes...tonight I will allow myself to have some tears in my vodka, and me and my faithful companion, let's call him Fighto, will watch a movie.
PS-the picture is of my faithful companion, no I didn't give him any skinny girl vodka, he's just tired.

PPS-He is a fighting, humping  maltese with little dog syndrome, kind of like a pit bull but cooler, but more on that story later.

Changing My Last Name..Can it be Vanderbilt?

That's right, Vanderbilt. Actually my lawyer asked me the other day if I wanted to change my last name back to my maiden name. Well the thing about that is, I've had 4 last names. Yes, count them 4. I was born with my biological last name. Then my step-dad who I actually consider my father and the best man that I know adopted me under his name. Well you have to count my silly and too young, and too stupid to know any better first marriage last name. And here we are, 4 last names later. So when he asked me the other day I pondered for a few brief seconds and said um Vanderbilt of course. He gave me the blank stare that he always does when I have said something that stresses him out, so I backed down and said..Okay, I'll think about it and let you know (eye roll from him). It's not that I don't want to take my father's name..my maiden name, it's lovely and all. However, I feel as though I might be at a crossroads in my life where I just want to pick my own DAMN last name and NEVER change it again, because that is my last name and that's just the way it's going to be.
So here are some possible choices, weigh in on which one is your favorite or not favorite and post comments down below. Vanderbilt, Hilton, Busch, Smith, Kerrington, Kincaide, or you can suggest some names for me that you thought of.
Thanks

A Word About Firemen

So, the other day I was organizing in the basement and I accidentally bumped my hot water heater valve. Off it came, shooting water everywhere, steaming hot water all over my feet! Panic arises. Crap, I have no idea how to stop it or what to do. I grabbed a bucket to try and catch some of the cascading water. In my head this was an emergency, so I called 911. Okay, I get it. There are other SEVERE emergencies happening and this might have not been categorized as one to the 911 dispatcher. However, to a newly single mom it was a code 4 situation. The nice dispatcher on the phone told me how to turn off my water but I couldn't seem to find the shut off valve, whatever. I ran across the street to my new neighbors house and proceeded to ramble on at 100 mph about water, divorce, shut off valves (in my pajamas of course) bottom line could he come help and NOW! He did, and it was awkward. He felt the need to ask questions about Mr. No (ex hubs to be) and since he was helping me I felt obligated to answer them. Long story short, he got the water turned off until my wonderful father came over to fix the situation permanently. All was well in the world, as far as hot water heaters go. BUT AGAIN, come on FIREMEN if your not busy fighting fires or responding to some major emergency I definitely think that my hot water heater situation is equal to helping grandma to get her cat out of a tree. Help a single sister out!!

My Beyonce Moment

A Beyonce moment to me is defined as the exact moment in time when you have had ENOUGH. There are lots of strong women out there but Beyonce is just my go to gal for inspiration, probably because she did that song Survivor and all that. Anyhow, in my opinion, she is a force to be reckoned with. So my moment came when my ex (let's start calling him Mr. No) decided to tell me yet another lie about where he was going, when he would be home...Blah, Blah, Blah, you get the picture. I have had SEVERAL Beyonce moments in the past, several. Goes something like this, I kick him out, he's gone for a while, I let him come back, cycle, cycle, cycle. However, those times were just my pre- training moments. This time I knew there was no going back..I was done. DONE. DONE. DONE. Did I say done? Uh oh, crap. Now comes the hard part. What am I going to do? Will I be alright? Do I have enough help? Can I do this on my own? Are my children going to be forever scarred? Am I making the right decision? These questions will always be there to haunt me. What I do know, is that finally after a long time I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can smile again. So to all of you ladies and gents going through your own Beyonce moments, stay strong, it gets easier!

A Time For Change

It's been coming for a while now. It should have came much sooner that it has..3 years sooner perhaps. Out of the minimal respect that I have for my soon to be ex husband I will spare the nitty gritty details of what happened in our marriage. What I will say is that tears have fallen, promises and hearts were broken and in the end there was no longer kindness. Why you say? Why does this happen to good people? I'm not really sure. I'm certaintly not an expert on marriage. However, I am bone tired and I am sick of constantly wearing my poker face to hide what had become of my life. Yes indeed, it is a time for change.