Mom....You're Dog is acting like a PUSSY!!!

Please know that the word up above in all caps was damn near impossible for me to type without wanting to insert an asterisks sign. What is even more concerning is that those words actually came out of my 8 year old daughter's mouth. Let me paint a picture. My kiddos had spent almost a full week at their father's house during the Thanksgiving holiday. I went to pick them up tonight after a long day of working.  We arrive home. I ask my daughter to help me and to let the dog out of his kennel to go outside. It's cold..he hesitates, I get it. My daughter then says and I quote..."Mom, you're dog is acting like a pussy, he doesn't want to go outside."At that moment I stopped dead in my tracks. My son tried jumping to his sisters defense, or just to try to jump in period. I think he feared for her...Truly. What happened next went as follows: The look of terror in my eyes. Followed by the look of confusion and the instant dropping of my bag unexpectedly. His mouth opened to speak before my mouth was even shut. He said..."We don't say that word here." Again..what?  Clarification please.  As in...You're ALLOWED to say words of that caliper at your dad's house? "No, mom." Backpedal followed by him thinking extremely fast on his feet and then some tripping over his own words. "I mean, we've heard that word before though." "Really, Because I'm 100% certain I've never said it!" By this point my daughter is crying, not realizing the severity or perhaps meaning of the word she used. Although...She did use it completely correct if she wanted to refer to a woman's anatomy in a derogatory way. Again, she did not hear that come out of my feminist liberal mouth..for sure. I explained to her that it was not her fault. Sometimes things seems to make sense at the time when you say them..sort of. That perhaps she thought it meant something else? That it's okay to say it one time on ACCIDENT but If I EVER hear it again...like that, or just otherwise, it will be followed by a punishment. I made it VERY CLEAR that this was her one time get out of jail free card and I better not EVER hear it again. She seemed to understand and apologized. I then started the task of explaining why people use that word in general to different things in essence making a round about reference to girls/women being the whiny weaker counterpart of men. That's when she had the Ahh Haa moment.  I could see the little Oh Heck No wheels spinning in her head...Yes, she is my daughter and she FINALLY got the reference!!! The next thing I did after I put the kids to bed was to send a text message to her father regarding his daughter using the P word and maybe IF he was using that word perhaps he could TRY to sensor it around his OWN DAUGHTER!!!  He then proceeded to tell me she probably heard me say it...I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Yeah...I'm constantly throwing down the P word over here...Using it in sentences. Referring to my own anatomy in a derogatory way..Whatever idiot.
Conclusion:
I'm no angel..Less June Cleaver..more Kathy Griffin. They might have heard me curse a time or two but I try not too, and I'm working on it. But rest assured...no P word usage at this household.
 I'm a firm believer in picking my battles. When dealing with crazy or even semi crazy it's best just to pick things that are only COMPLETE DEAL BREAKERS to have conversations with their father about.
The dealbreakers list...so far...
1. Don't let the kids run with knives, or scissors..duh.
2. If you're going to cuss please don't use derogatory horrible words either referring to vagina's, other races, or homosexuals...I'm not going to tolerate any of those words...EVER.
3. And please remember that although you watch a super cool show about a biker gang (Sons of Anarchy) that it's probably not appropriate to let our son watch it. I don't watch the show myself..but I hear there are some serious sexual scenes, raping of women, kidnapping, and other EXTREME things that PROBABLY isn't the best TV choice for a 10 year old...Seriously, no brainer.

The cherry on my sundae...It gets even better. My little baby's dad told me that he was starting to notice that he was beginning to take his fingers and act like he was shooting things, like a gun. He then asked me if I...had shown him this?? Inside my head I thought...hmmm...seems like this is a natural thing that little boys learn and just do, but rest assured in all of my FREE time as a single mom to 3 kids, working my rear off and running a household and moving at 90 miles an hour most of the time... does that seem like a Valid question to even ask? But out loud I said.."Oh yeah...Did I not tell you? We started shooting guns over here this week...a little pre toddler get him ready for deer season if you will, seemed like a good idea to me, don't you agree?" Of course..he was speechless, and THAT made the whole P word usage and otherwise rough day in general ALL WORTH IT!!!!
Happy Monday

1 fat leg and a pair of hooker boots please....

A true letter

Dear Ellen,
I am in need of a new pair of boots. Hooker boots if you will. They're not for me, but for a really great friend. Here is the back story, always important when asking for something of this nature. I have a friend named Stella. Her husband is in the military and she moves around with him. I could play the whole military card, which is awesome because he has served our country and has been overseas and all of that (was once a DJ in Kuwait..random) but I'm not going to go that route. I feel as though it was divine intervention that she was sent to this great state of Missouri (termed Misery by some) to help me. We're kind of two peas in a pod. I was in a horrible marriage. I didn't really recognize it, but she did right away. She likes to say that she is responsible for my divorce...in a good way. Her whole WTH attitude and her general assessment was spot on, and I will be forever grateful to her for it.. Okay enough sapp. The MAIN reason of this letter is to tell you that she is in desperate need..of hooker boots. IT'S ACTUALLY THE ONLY THING I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! She has a condition to where one of her legs is actually bigger than the other one. It's called May-Thurner syndrome. It basically boils down to this..She has 1 fat leg...fat foot, all the way up to her pelvis because of poor blood flow. The other leg is normal size, and it overcompensates and has good blood flow. She was diagnosed with this condition when she was around 13. Since that time she has had to wear special shoes, she has to buy special jeans, all of that. Sooooo unfair. She is a very small petite person and she weighs about 95 pounds. I swear 2/3 of that weight is in her fat leg. Just to clarify, she calls it her "fat leg." I would never call it that if she did not. She does really well with this most of the time. Because of the poor blood flow she often will get an infection from even the teeny tiniest of cuts on her foot. She has to be hospitalized a few times a year for this. She doesn't really complain about it much either!!! However, it is hard to find a pair of boots that fit her. My friends and I have all been shopping for trendy new boots (tall and skinny, up the leg) and I feel so awful that she can't wear any. I know...there are kids with cancer...I get it, but this is kind of a big deal too. What she represents to me is about ALOT more than boots. Really...not asking for money, or a trip, or a new house, or ANYTHING else. However, I would love to surprise her with boots!!!!
PS...Love you love your show...I mean you could always surprise us with boots and a babysitter, to go out and show off the new boots of course!!! A combo pack if you will..

Thanks

Haunted Housing, Golden Girl Style

Yes. You read the caption right. That's right. Haunted Houses. I don't know what possessed me to think I was in my early 20's versus my current age of 35. I think it was somehow related to some great friends and a minor amount of peer pressure. Whatever..It was fun, sort of. Ahhh. Haunted houses take me back to my younger days of going on dates in my late teens.  Boys who worked feverishly to afford to take me to Denny's post night out. I think some of them might have borrowed their mom's credit card to pay. It's the thought that counts right?  The eventful night in question started out with margaritas. Perhaps, this is where I went wrong. 1 margarita, 2 margarita, 3 margarita's later (do not judge, I was not driving) all 4 of us piled into the car to head down to the super scary haunted houses area. Not only is it scary inside but it is also a little bit scary outside as well. We stopped to use the restroom at a local gas station. This is where I proceeded to ummm...trip UP a curb. Curb check if you will, with my ankle. Totally busted my ass. Awesome. At the time, there was no pain and it was fine. Again, hindsight vision is always 20/20. However, we were on a mission. Girls out without kiddos or doggies on a Thursday!!!! That's right...MID WEEK. We stood in a VERY LONG line for the first haunted house. Alongside us was about 200 pre-teens, and maybe a few teens. Oh, and one very lonesome lost looking dad, who clearly had drawn the short straw on the parenting front. I felt for him..I really did. During the line wait the usual happened where the weirdo guy comes around with his rat (no one is afraid of rats..hamsters are the real biters, duh) and proceeds to put him inside of his mouth. Sir...I have seen you do this many times, since I was 16, I'm over it. My friends and I bitched about not having a flask and having to wait in line. Finally we got to go in. It was SCARY...Like peeing our pants scary. By this time I was still hobbling on the now visibly swollen ankle that I was ignoring. We were all screaming and falling down (not due to tequila this time) and squinting our eyes shut. We made it through the first one finally. At the end there was a long slide. I'm just gonna throw it out there..straight up. The dad DID NOT go down the slide. Chicken exit...what? I felt like I am as old as him, and my rear went down it. That's right. Rock star. The second haunted house was much easier. No lines, almost closed, very late. Their peeps were much more aggressive. Once proceeded to pop my friend in the mouth. All I can say is that it's a good thing it was dark because she was about to lay an ass whipping on him. Then, they decided to call us bitches and say and I quote.. "What's up golden girls, isn't it a little late for you?" Oh hell no..this is when we all 4 got a little nuts. Eeerrrp..whoa, suddenly we weren't scared. We all turned around and gave him a BIG PIECE of our minds. Asshole..seriously. I was already having a hard time keeping Alabama in check (she knows who she is.) She was about to get straight up gangster, and Sweeps..well, she grew up in the hood so the fact that this man did not walk out holding his balls in hand was a miracle. Thank God for the sweet one in the group. I don't care what she says..she is a angel..truly :)
Moral of the story goes like this. One x-ray and 2 weeks later, Rose is still limping on her swollen ankle. It was fun..REALLY REALLY fun, but I got my ass handed to me that night, for sure. Next year maybe I will be the parent who's in line with my older son..I mean I doubt it, he has zero interest, so strange. Let me just clarify though if I am that parent there with all the kiddos...You can bet your butt I will be taking the slide down. CHICKEN!!!!!