Kidnapping an X-Box...Allegedly

This week there has been some real DB interaction. I mean..pushing to a whole new level of irritation on the Mr. No standpoint.  During these times, I look for clarity with humor. It helps, tremendously. One time I remember specifically had to deal with a trusted friend and her now..ex boyfriend. He's been an ex for a while. He takes jackassery to a whole new level. However, hindsight is 20/20 indeed. My friend has her shit together, and pretty much always has. I don't know how she managed to fall for this guy. He had the personality of an amoeba. I clearly, have no room to talk..that is besides the point. One night after they had broken up she asked for my help in a insane..Dixie Chicks type of plan. No, not Earl had to die..less law breaking on many levels, but a humdinger for sure. Let's do some background info. This boy..yes I said boy was 25. She had caught him lying to her for about the 50th time. This time, it included pictures, which of course he tried to deny even when he was caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He brought special to a whole new ballgame..field if you will.  I'm not trying to sound like a nutso femi-nazi bi atch but seriously, she was and is way out of his league..Always. I think she fell into the "I'm going to fix him category." Jobs later, minus health insurance taking substance abuse and lying to a whole new level..I think she was finally done. His loss..She clearly is a rock star, super attractive, witty, intelligent girl, who would do anything for me. So, in her revenge she wanted to get him where it really hurt. Being the grown up that he was..we went straight for the X-box. Conversation and details as follows. Her: Do you want to help me out? I'm going to misplace his X-box for an extended period of time. Me: Of course..You know you don't have to ask me twice. Her: Ok, he will be here in an hour to pick up his stuff, I will bring it over now. Me: I'm in. So, maybe we didn't really think this through too much. It would have been better to hold it for ransom, but again..Who the hell was going to pay that shit? Even though we didn't take it to the extreme level we could have the results were still AWESOME. He came over to pick up his things (X box) really, let's be honest. He was all...Where's my X-box..to which she replied, what X-box? We kept this going for at least 18 hours. That is the amount of time it took for him to have a complete melt down and lose his shit. No...not because he was losing his awesome girlfriend, not because he was jobless and she had been paying for his expenses for over 6 months..He lost it my friends..over an X-box. He threatened to call the cops, we played along for a little bit, but eventually we gave in and handed over the 12 year old in a 25 year old man body's video game..but it was rough, and we both loved EVERY minute of it. I don't care if it came across as evil. This man put her through hell and back and he is lucky I didn't beat him down myself. I threatened it, he didn't seem scared..Whatever,...he's never seen me rumble, obviously.
Conclusion: We all fall for idiots. The key is to not make the same mistake again...or times four. Don't judge.
PS- I also don't care if this post makes me or her sound completely freaking crazy. Bottom line, We absolutely are. True Story.

Sir..Where are the Pink Hammers?

Alas, a new mission. I have this 40ish lb mirror hanging in my entryway, that I love. In making changes all around I decided to move it from the wall and perhaps hang it on my fireplace mantle instead. So, off to the Home Depot I went. I love Home Depot. They are super helpful there and I'm not going to lie..a bunch of boys walking around wearing tool belts, what's not to like? Ok, focus. So there I am at Home Depot trying to explain to the guy in the isle my dilemma about my big ass mirror. Conversation went like this.
Me: I want to rehang a large mirror in my house. Him: Do you have a stud finder? Me: Um..that's a personal question. Do you think if I owned one of those I would be here in this store trying to figure out how to hang a mirror by myself? AND...wouldn't you agree that a stud finder might in nature be specific to "one owns idea" of a stud in general? I mean, that topic is certainly something that is debatable? BUT...out loud I said..No, no I don't. Him: Where do you want to hang this mirror? Me: Well it's currently hanging on the wall but I really want to hang it on the fireplace. Him: Well do you have a diamond drill bit?  Me: In my head...WTF?  First he is asking me about a stud finder and now he is asking me if I am using some sort of diamond type apparatus for drilling, instead of wearing as a jewelry piece..so I said..No..I do not have any sort of diamond drilling device at home, just jewelry. Seriously, he's got to be just f-ing with me at this point. Him: Who is going to help you hang this mirror?  Me: Uh, none of your business that's who? And we're there. I should have probably also prefaced in this post that it was PMS week and I might have been a little edgy. Doesn't matter. All that means is that my bitch o meter just moves a little quicker than usual when angered. I get that this  man was charming and trying to help. I do. I will give him credit for being patient. However, he did not have to turn it into a who's the man that's going to get this job done right issue? OH HELL NO, because even though I had no idea about this whole diamond drill situation he was really beginning to piss me off.  I was at the brink of having a I am Sheera hear me roar moment, and I'm quite sure that he had no intention of the extent of that chick and I didn't really want to have to go all femi-nazi at Home Depot today. Sensing the fact that I was getting really irritated he stopped talking and asking questions..good move sir. At this point I was just thinking that maybe I should just leave the damn mirror where it is versus buying some sort of diamond ruining drill (again waste of a diamond). So, there was a long pause where I looked at him and him at me and finally after much deliberation I said....Well, do you at least have one of those pink breast cancer awareness hammers that I keep seeing all over? I mean, it's October which is breast cancer awareness month. Him: I have no idea what you are talking about ma'am. Me: OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!! Screw it...I'm going to Lowe's.

Happy Hump Day!!!

From Disney to 50 Shades

I was watching Tangled for the umpteenth time the other day with my daughter. I like the story line..don't get me wrong. I think Walt's peeps have their hearts in the right place, truly. However, they are kind of feeding our daughter's straight up BS. Every Disney show...related to chicks or princesses or any sort of female main character, all the same. So then we have these girls, my daughter included, who think it's going to be all white horses and fairy tales. The other day I was listening intently as she talked about "when she grows up." "I can't wait to get married and have babies, after college." Because this is my mantra...Okay whatever you want to do.. AFTER COLLEGE. Running through my head though was Really, really? I bought you tonka trucks, I tried to steer you away from my families inherited obsession with shoes. I signed you up for soccer and t-ball versus dance. I made sure that you played in the mud, touched bugs and didn't exclusively wear pink. What I want to hear her say is "Mom, I can't wait until I'm a kick ass attorney and I totally rock my job." I would even settle for social worker, police officer, trash collector..whatever I'm game. This is where Walt comes in and screws us..royally. I don't recall Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella (ok, maybe her), Ariel or Bella going to college, having jobs, working? It's kind of an unrealistic story which we all love to believe in at some point during our young impressionable girl youth. Okay, maybe I'm being to hard on her. I'm sure with me as her mother she will get there, fingers crossed. Which brings me to my next point. One word. Edward. Now, after the Disney mind f -ing...Our young tweens are reading and watching a romantic love story where a mystical vampire can sense when the love of his life is in danger. It's like she doesn't even have to beckon him. He just comes magically running, at the speed of light, during any dangerous situation. Don't get me wrong. I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. We already have our tickets for the very last show because we're team Edward and we're going with some friends (child with two moms) and of course they're all team Bella..which is fine. Either way, I'm there. Yes, I'm part of the problem, I'm working on it. Finally, my last point. After our young impressionable daughters are taunted by Disney, then messed with by Edward, in comes Christian. Ahhh... Christian. Again. I get it. I'm all about the naughty romantic/soft-sometimes- hard pornish books that are all the rave. However, I am a grown woman and I REALIZE that what Christian has on the table is a complete farce. I'm hoping, no praying, that these girls of today DO NOT get their hands on these books until after they have had a little bit of life experience.  I mean again..Isn't a super attractive, billionaire, who completely worships you in an almost fatal attraction kind of way (minus the bunnies) who is well hung and can have sex 50 times a day completely the norm? Yes..totally the norm, catch my drift.
Conclusion: yes this post is a bit negative..sorry, if you can't handle it read a different freaking blog where the moms are competing to see who has the best projects-recipes and who gets the most done in 24 hours. This IS NOT that blog. Reality..Marriage can be wonderful, but a prince today is a man or woman who notices you haven't brushed your hair or teeth for 2 days and makes the connection all on his own (key point) that you might need some help. Picks up his own dirty socks off the floor. Teaches our daughters how to change their own oil and tires. Is okay that I might and possibly do make more money than him, and has his shit completely together in the bedroom. BUT and this is a big BUT..if a cool 500 year old vampire who can read my thoughts, never needs to sleep, worships the ground I walk in because he truly thinks I'm the coolest person in the world comes along...I'm out :)

Opera at 6:00 AM.....Yes Please

My kids are awesome. I feel a little guilty about writing this, like I am betraying them or something. However, this post is about the celebration of my friend Stella's kids; because they are awesome in a different way.
Every morning, that's right EVERY morning..my friend's son wakes up at 6:00 AM and belts out the star spangled banner. How cool is that? Not only does he sing the star spangled banner, but he does it in an opera voice. Okay..backup. My friend has these two wonderful kids. They both fall into some sort of autism/asperger type spectrum. They are wildly different and completely inappropriate. Meeting these kiddos was a game changer. They drive her and her husband absolutely crazy. Truly freaking over the edge nuts. Me being who I am, awesome and also mildly inappropriate, follow the madness happily. Let's see..what else. Her son was at a birthday party at my house. I walked in from outside and heard him upstairs. All of a sudden it got really quiet. I look up at my catwalk to see him face down hovering watching me. I didn't give this a second thought. He was obviously pulling a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible....duh. I did tell him if he wanted to come back to the party that it was okay, but secretly I understood that it's hard to break character in that position. At that exact same birthday party I looked over to see her daughter spreading red icing (the kind that stains) all over her arms. I get it. Her step dad was about to lose it. But when else is she going to have an opportunity to spread icing of that caliber all over her arms? I couldn't help but smile. This little girl is all spitfire. She straight up refuses spelling tests, even though she is smart enough to get all of the words right. She only likes pepperoni pizza but after she picks off the pepperoni to make it cheese. I totally agree, it's about the pepperoni grease not the actual pepperoni. The other day I was watching her and asked her to come to dinner. She paused and said "Coming." I gave her a few minutes and then reminded her of dinner. To which she replied "I SAID IN A MINUTE."  I was all...oh Hell No and reoriented her to who is the actual Queen Bee of this home. She politely came and sat at the table with us and ate dinner, sort of.
I know I'm rambling...Getting to the point. I know these kids are a handful. I know they could listen more and be less defiant. I know they are giving their mother premature gray hair. However, they know who they are at a very young age and they stick to their guns. This is something that is extremely hard to teach in today's world.
Conclusion: So while her mother pulls out her grays..I remind her that even though these kids might never move out...her daughter will be super good at spreading icing all over things (cakes of course) and that her son will probably wear a cape on his first date. And let me just say I would TOTALLY go on a second date with a guy sporting a cape. Who wouldn't??

Don't Pet the Lions

Let's face it...If you're on my friend list it's because you truly are a rock star. That's right, I don't let many people into my inner circle.  I like to say I'm choosy about whom I spend my time with. Not a lot of time for bullshit, no offense, it's just the way I roll. I have this really great friend. We are very similar  and we became fast friends during college. She's the kind of girl who would back me up during a bar fight that I started!!  Or participate in crazy over night stake outs to catch someone lying to me. She is on my short list of my bitches who are worth their weight in gold. I was reading over a text conversation that we had the other night, and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Here's how it went. Let me preface with YES I take a sleep aid called Ambien. I used to have terrible night terrors and wake up in a complete state of panic. I have been taking a sleep aid for years and it helps out tremendously. HOWEVER...It kind of has a short time period before it takes effect to where I sometimes say funny things, FB or text people without having any memory of doing so. Whatever..it works for me. My friend used to take it as well but decided that the side effects were too weird for her. Rookie. So she is used to my weird late night texts.
Me: I have developed a huge irrational fear of lions this past year. I'm contributing most of it to animal planets show fatal attractions, but let's also keep in mind that Mr. No is a Leo.
Her: Have you already taken your Ambien? You're never going to run into a lion.
Me: Perhaps. I hear what you're saying but I am so scared shit less by them I won't even go to the zoo as of late. I'm not taking any extra chances.
Her: I'm pretty sure being a Leo doesn't make one an actual lion or activate some sort of magical lion powers or anything...
Me: Whatever, I think I have PTSD related to either lions or astrological signs of lions. There's also all those you tube videos of lions trying to paw their way through the glass to get to babies sitting on the other side of the glass. Seriously..trying to eat them. They kept showing random clips like that all summer on the news and laughing. Unreal.
Her: Ok..We went to the San Diego zoo and they're doing this animal ambassador program where they take cheetahs and raise them with a dog buddy. It's supposed to tame them. They take the cheetahs on walks with leashes around the zoo. It did freak me out a little. Bizarre.
Me: Exactly...All apart of the big cat spectrum. And by the way...those dogs are fucking dead. It's just a matter of time before those cheetahs lose their shit and turn..Plus they can run 90 mph. They are SOOOO dead. MEOW.
Her: They're supposed to turn them into BFF's. I don't know.
Me: Whatever..Just like when that lioness mom fostered that orphaned gazelle. She was all smiles and happy and they were all...Oh it's so cute..she loves him so much. And she did..Until a week later when she freaking ate his ass. I'm just saying.
Her: Bitch lion...Seriously?
Me: I know...right?
I don't know why this made me laugh so hard the next day.  Probably because I didn't have very much memory of the entire conversation. I also find it really hilarious that she just completely rolls with my crazy, without even missing a beat. You know what they say..Crazy bitch birds of a feather usually flock together. Bottom line..I'm okay with that label and the best part is that she is too.
On a separate note...I'm not ready to give up the fear of lions...I'll keep you updated though if it happens to change. Don't plan on it, it's not happening. True story.

All I Want for Christmas is a Riding Mower

I now see why when my house was purchased Mr. No said.."Wow, that's a big yard". I remember thinking at the time, um duh..more room for the kids to play. Now that I have taken over the current mowing situation I realize it kind of sucks. Alot. My dad always thought I had two left feet so he never taught me to mow. I specifically remember him saying.."Don't touch the mower, ever." And I was all, uh don't worry dad. So after a very quick mowing tutorial from my mom last week (basically showing me how to turn it on) I gave it a whirl. That shiz is not easy, and after you're done your arms feel like jello. The first mowing session was just a series of random zig zags with no apparent rhyme or reason. I'm pretty sure that my neighbors were peaking out of the blinds thinking..what the hell is she doing? Regardless, the job got done. With my second go round I tried to follow more of a pattern. In my head I was thinking, it's like vacuuming with blades.  Again, it got done. This time I noticed far less holes of random tall patchy grass. During the mowing I was daydreaming about filling my overly large sized back yard with rocks or pebbles. Like they do in the west where it's really dry. I mean I would totally keep the front yard grass, just fill up the back with Santa Fe type rocks. Of course, then that damn grass would probably grow through the freaking pebbles and I would have to figure out how to mow over them to get to the grass. That could be tricky. Someone could lose an eye. Okay, so I don't really have all the logistics figured out, but I'll keep it on the back burner just in case. Overall I think I'm on my way to being a mowing rock star..or at least until I can hire a really cheap lawn boy next summer.
So in conclusion. The moral of this story is times change, families change, lots of things change. I WILL not only be teaching my sons the great art of mowing, but my daughter as well. I can already here her whining in my head saying "Mom, I'm never ever gonna have to do this." My reply is going to be "Okay dear, just in case you decide not to fill your yard with pebbles, you should learn.".....
Happy Monday