Mom...Don't date men in drug cartels?

Great advice, given directly from my 11 year old son. Unsolicited...I might add. My wonderful big hearted son sat me down the other day to have a discussion. A discussion about dating. Play by play as follows.
Son: Mom, can we talk about something?
Me: Sure hon, what's up?
Son: Do you date people sometimes when we're gone at our dad's house? Me: Uh...what?
Son: Well, I just wanted to make sure that you are safe? I just need you to promise me that you won't get into the car with any guy who drives a van. You never know if they are in some sort of underground drug cartel.
Not only was I completely caught off guard with his line of questioning but I was also really confused about how he didn't know me well enough to understand that I would totally recognize someone who belonged to a drug cartel. I was thinking...duh, he knows I've seen Traffic.  After I clarified my position on stranger danger and my ability not to be persuaded into vans I did some reassuring to his little ego regarding my safety. Apparently this is a thing young boys do with their single moms. My friend's son mimicked almost this exact conversation with her. He's a little less anxious than my son so he left out the part about the drug cartel. However, he did proceed to ask her a few things about her dating life. Our silly children...If they only knew how tired we were after working such long shifts that mainly what we want to do is come home and be in our PJ's by 8:15 and be able to watch a whole episode of DATELINE: Real life Mysteries without falling asleep. They would understand that while we try to squeeze time in for dating the reality is that our lives as moms are just so centrally focused around them that our "dating life" isn't nearly as exciting as they imagine in their heads. I think a lot of it is testosterone and they're growing taller than us and they feel the need to protect. It's very sweet. Truly

.

Conclusion: The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree because there's a ton of other things I could add to the "not date" list. Boys named Norman. Boys who have 3 or more cats. Boys that can out drink me in girly drinks. Republicans...I mean my list is forever long.  But instead of sharing my list with him the big reassurance ticket winner was this...Me: Honey, the only reason I go out with boys ever is mainly to get free dinner. Rest assured I'm home in time to watch Dateline, and then I winked at him. Without even missing a beat he replied....Yeah, You haven't missed that show in a long time :)
Yep...he's my son.

Pain in my grass!!!

Feeling like it's a crabby Monday. If you can't handle my biatch ranting today because you're in a super good mood visit a mommy and me craft blog. Please.

Crabby Monday rants that I'm not apologizing for:

1) On what planet is it okay as a property manager to hook up a hose post sod laying to a single mom's faucet and then leave a note stating that it needs to be watered (on my expense) pretty much for the next 24/7? Guess how long it took this girl to pull in the driveway and turn off the hose? 2.5 seconds. Result: My water bill will be paid for next month along with all of my neighbors. Seriously, does he think I'm an idiot?

2) Not apologizing for my sailor mouth. I always say PLEASE before I kindly tell someone to fu*^ off. See above :)

3) How is it my fault that your husband asked for my number at the grocery store? Please refrain from sending rude texts. This one I completely get and understand. However, I didn't make him pull out his phone and then proceed to peruse through his pictures and I would of remembered if he said...Um, I have a wife at home, is that cool?  Lesson learned. Next time.

4) Needing a mommy time out. Love, love, love them but there is a reason why it takes two to make a child. The main reason being there is someone close by when one parent needs a time out moment.

5) Pity party's of all kinds...I can only handle so much. Sometimes one just needs to GET OFF ONE'S ASS and do what obviously needs to be done. Whatever it is, whatever the case. Just get it done.

6) Not settling for less than what I want for my own daughter...If you need a reference you can most likely refer to any part of my blog and there is a usually something regarding this. Not just for me..for women in general. Especially true however on crabby Mondays.

7) Being fantucking fabulous..Not apologizing for this. To clarify.

Pretty pretty Princessery

Mom, when I grow up can I be a pretty pretty princess? Seriously...Every woman dreams of being a princess. I can remember the moment when I realized that I was not going to be doing princess type activities on a daily basis. It really sucked. Truly. What I eventually have came to terms with is the fact that there are a few days a year where we as women really do get to actually celebrate and act like a princess. Mother's day and birthdays. I, being a Gemini obviously try to stretch that shiz out for a month long birthday celebration. It doesn't always work out that way, but I still give it a solid go every June. This week it is a dear friend of mines birthday. We are both turning 36 this year. Somehow we went from being "Alive at 35," and beach vacationing to having lunch at Cracker Barrel with the 70's and over crowd. Apparently this suddenly sneaks up on you when you hit the late 30's mark. The urge to have coffee and pie and play that pin jumping game. I digress.
Top 7 reasons why birthdays deserve a straight up princess party:
1) Children that growl, hiss, have moldy science experiments growing in zip lock bags and or also may still be toddling in diapers.
2) The need for hair dye.
3) Our mothers and or the fear of becoming our mothers.
4) Teachers and their over organizational skills that make one feel like a complete jackass in comparison.
5) Living with the same man for years and not killing him ( I'm still perfecting this skill. I may not be able to claim this reason).
6) Being a working mother.
7) Clown car type descriptions of body parts...

Conclusion: We will be celebrating princess style even if it's only at the Cracker Barrel. Pink boa's and all.
Dating snippet...Promised someone I would start sneaking these in, slowly. Don't ever settle for someone who doesn't recognize your need to at least be princess for a day. The way he/she looks at you should make you feel that way everyday. However, in the real world if they can't recognize how awesome you are on your special day, move on.
Roll Tide

Sand, Sun and Safety Rules?

I need a shirt. One that says I survived yet another winter in the great state of Missouri or Misery. Spring is here and it turns out that damn rodent told a whopper..freaking ground hog. The blizzard like conditions mixed with kids out of school, a barfing baby and a family move just about pushed me right over the edge. However, there is a silver lining. The children are with their dad for spring break and I being the great soccer mom that I am and in true typical Queen Bee fashion will be headed to the beach!!! I am breaking one of my most cardinal rules. I am flying to a state that normally I wouldn't be caught dead in. Let's just say it's the large one, that's south...I'm not a fan, but to clarify the flight is only 2 hours. I made peace with this decision by deciding to stay out of the main part of the state. I will be going to an island. No, not Padre Island, Jesus what am I 22? Let's just leave it at that. This is my own mini version of an Eat, Pray, Love moment, without the year long sabbatical. Some of us have children and other things to tend to on a daily basis. A few facts about the trip.
1. This is the first time I am taking a trip solo.
2. I will be flying into the busiest airport in the United States and navigating from there. I mean...it's fine. I have that cool app on my phone that gets me anywhere when I am lost, locally.
3. I have to hide it from my kiddos. Yes, I have those kids. Seriously, if they could be one of those Pitt kids I'm sure they would swap lives in a second just for the amount of traveling/flying they do. They love it. I didn't mean to show them so much at such a young age..it just happened. Things could be worse. They could be addicted to chocolate or Ritalin or something else ridiculous.
4. My friends are kind of intense in the safety department. One friend..."Please remember Natalie Holloway." Um, okay rude. First of all...a. I think she sometimes forgets the fact that I'm a bad ass and b. this thing happens when you become a mom. It guides your every decision. It brings your carefree ass back to reality. It changes your life...in so many ways. Yes..wonderful and also sometimes taxing ways that I am so blessed to have, most of the time.  I remind her that I will not be putting myself in any of those situations and again I watch almost every crime show that is made for TV so she can RELAX. It's really cute though. One friend made me promise to fly home. I guess she thinks I'm going to go rogue and stay in the state that I cannot almost even admit that I'm going to.  Another friend stated that she needs a text every 12 hours or she's going to call the police :)  Those gals. I love them, I really do.
Anywhoo..I'm excited to go and I can't wait to post about my adventures. Secretly of course,  so my kids don't catch me in some sort of  traveling story mishap...Haters.

P.S. On a side note. One of my biggest pet peeves. "Oh, make sure you get all of your traveling out of your system when you are young. You won't be able to do that later on in life." To those naysayers....Agreed, it's harder later, but I'm glad I started traveling when I did. If I had began traveling at such an early age I'm pretty sure I would now be a professional cross country backpacker living some sort of nomadic existence, with a home base in Sweden..for real. I'm glad I made the choices I did at the times  I did...Life is short. If I live to be 100 (it could happen) I've only just  begun.
 

One tiny pill......

It's very weird. The day that you realize that you are ALL DONE having children. It comes sooner for some women than others. One day I'm sitting in my doctor's office..ok laying with my legs in stirrups to be more precise and him and I start having the famous what form of birth control are you using conversation? Um..the catholic method maybe..followed by a healthy dose of I got my period dancing..sort of. At first he suggests Mirena, an IUD. I'm not a big fan. It feels foreign and the thought of it just sitting in there looking around seems odd to me. I know the IUD is not alive. It still freaks me out non the less. Next in line comes the pill.  Super..I took it for years..I mean YEARS, should be fine. In the interim of waiting to get my tubes tied I can commit to taking something as easy one little tiny pill, right?  Well let me just say that after being off all forms of  birth control for quite some time I have decided that I  kind of like my own hormones. I guess I didn't realize the healthy dose of hormones that gets added to the mix when you take the pill..I'm actually feeling a little bit sorry for my ex husband because I'm pretty sure I took it for almost the entire marriage (minus a couple kiddo's).
Week 1: Also known as homicidal facebook posting week.
Week 2: Also known as beating down the door of exes week and then threatening to call the police because he wouldn't let the children come out. I was also 15 minutes early..Whatever, details.
Week 3: Also known as the I'm sorry..I have no idea what I want right now but perhaps you should figure it out..poor guy..dating week.
Week 4: Mediation. Hormones were dialing down but overall still nuts, and I'm altogether not a great mediator, that I can admit wholeheartedly.
Granted, Most of the time I would take credit for some of this crazy, but not this time. It was like a really bad episode all month long that starred one raging bitch. Whoa.

Conclusion: Me calling my doctor and explaining that I might need to be moved to the lowest form of estrogen pill there is, just for every one's safety. He agrees while still trying to get me to switch to Mirena. I swear he works for them..Truly.

Fight Club Poster Children

Let me first just start by saying...I'm off the Pitt. Yes he's adorable, but his whole image was ruined for me once he left Jennifer A. I'm a Jennifer fan, thick and thin. He may now be married to the husband stealing, globe trotting, do gooding, orphan adopting woman and I know he is all about helping others.  I'm still not a fan, all I'm saying. With that being PERFECTLY clear I can however say that I did enjoy a few of his movies. Fight Club being one of them. Moving on.....This past week was challenging. A lot challenging. One of life's lessons that I try to teach my children constantly is family loyalty. My 11 year old doesn't seem to get it. My daughter on the other hand does. She loves her brother and anyone that messes with him better look out. She's a force to be reckoned with. Spitfire. Anywooo...Here is what I witnessed last week with them.  As usual the kids are in the backyard with the gang of neighborhood children. All boys plus my daughter. We have a tire swing. They argue over who gets to ride on it..who's turn it is, the order of things. You can imagine. Lots and lots of young testosterone all trying to run the show. I'm watching from my dining room window. They don't know I'm watching. At some point the boys get mean and my daughter usually comes in crying or saying how "unfair" her life is. I get it. It does seem unfair in her eyes that there are only boys around to play with.  I watch as my daughter reluctantly loses her spot on the tire swing. She gets off and then this bigger boy pushes her down. I am standing there getting super pissed about the fact this boy did this..super pissed. I'm about to snatch up my baby and go outside and yell when suddenly my son decides to have an ahhh ha moment!!!!

My son gets off the tire swing and helps his sister up and comes to her defense. There's a lot of pointing and shouting and get out of my yard and DON'T TOUCH MY SISTER kind of language. At that moment all I can feel is hot tears streaming down my angry face. And then what comes next is relief. My kids come walking towards the house. I rush around so they don't see me watching...wipe my tears and act like I saw nothing. I don't know why and frankly I don't care the reasoning, but something changed. I have been shoving this message of family and loyalty and blood is thicker than water down his throat oh, I don't know for about 11 years now. Perhaps he thinks his sister is fine and can always hold her own. Most of the time she can. I expected to see her rise up and give that boy a piece of her mind. What I'm getting at is..... I'm glad she didn't have too, for once.
Conclusion: I was raised to look out for myself only pretty much. Family was there but was not the absolute. I'm trying to teach my children differently. I think they are finally starting to get the message. This was a good mom moment...a very good mom moment. Hug your kids tight tonight...

Growing my Exoskeleton

Bullying. Life is full of bullies in one way or another. Easiest way to deal with them is to grow an extreme backbone. This task I've already completed. In light of recent events..I'm learning that I might need to also work on an exoskeleton. Other nerds get it. Pretty sure that single parents do as well.
In a perfect world ex spouses co-parent together perfectly. There is no arguing. They do holidays together as well as birthdays. I actually know someone who has this arrangement with her ex. It is really sweet. I'm not quite sure how she pulls it off. Either way, I envy her. Flash forward to my life...I'm standing literally in front of the judge in some sort of conference. I'm not really listening well. Partly because I can get a little distracted, whatever, but mostly because I hate the words that are coming out of his mouth. Remember old men always say I have sass mouth. Let's keep in mind that I WASN'T talking. The judge is going on and on about progressive parenting and how dads need more time with their children versus the standard custody arrangement. I completely agree. However, since my child is only ONE I also kind of feel that it's not fair to him that he have to split custody between both parents on a week here and a week there basis. Crib hopping is not a skill that I really want him learning at such an early age. I mean shit..can we at least just wait until it's at least toddler bed hopping? The judge proceeds to go on about how he doesn't care that my son has two other siblings at home, "sibling group isn't that important." Dude...WTF? It kind of is, but yes father time trumps it because he is the PARENT, got it. I've never withheld custody...even in the brief phase where his dad forgot that he needed a stable residence to live at. I felt like not only was I being bullied, but my attorney was as well. The judge clearly had his balls in his hands and was squeezing them. I tried to remain calm. I'm not really great at hiding my body language (again..like sass mouth minus the talking). The judge then proceeded to call me on my non vocal version of sass mouth, which ok...did kind of look like eye rolling and looking away. Yes, at 35 I got SCOLDED...It was REALLY, REALLY hard for me at that point to not say a word, but I didn't. I looked back to my friend for moral support. She looked worried, that's a bad sign. Thank God she's southern. I couldn't have brought a better person to help me to remain calm. Any of my other friends most likely would have hard a hard time containg their own version of sass mouth. It's been a very long movie for them to watch..It hasn't been easy for them, I know that and I love them for it. Enough said. Even with all of that I am complete agreement that my ex needs tons of time with his son which he has...it's just not split down the middle, he's just too little for that right now.

Conclusion: Less kittens and rainbow version of my divorce probably means a new attorney. Damn it. But let's face it...I've never been a kitten kind of girl...I'm okay with it :)

Wagon diving little brothers..

Being the middle child is hard, I hear. This complaint is frequently voiced by my daughter. She is stuck in the middle between two brothers ages 11 and 1. In her world, she's not cool enough for her older brother and well the baby is..you know how babies are, spoiled. I try to emphasize to her how awesome it is to be a big sister and how the baby will always look up to her. She is my daughter. She's not buying it. She gives me this hands on her hips glare...that speaks volumes as to my BS pep talk. Her baby brother loves her so much. He follows her around everywhere. He looks for her when she sneaks off to play in her room. His usual is to go in there and snatch a Barbie from the pile and take off running down the hallway. He has learned to say her name, and he does over and over. Very similar to the mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom chant... He will even reach up his hands for her to pick him up. Hernia might eventually be an issue considering she is barely double his weight and he is 18 months and he is 8, but whatever it's fine. Watching all of this through mom eyes is heart melting.
However, I did bare witness to a particular rough morning the other day, that has kept me laughing ever since. Here's how it goes. 7 am..I did my zombie pre coffee walk to the crib to get the baby out. He was awake. I picked him up and set him on the floor. The minute his feet hits the floor he is off and running, babbling, clapping looking for his siblings. They were in the living room still asleep. On non school nights they do this sort of camp out in the living room fort building thing and watch TV probably entirely too late and eat junk food. I'm okay with it, they're only young once. My daughter was still fast asleep on her little fold out couch. I kept walking and headed into the kitchen to start the coffee pot. A few minutes later I turned around and this is what I saw. The baby had oh so carefully dragged his little plastic radio flyer wagon over next to his sister's side. He was now standing inside the wagon and hovering next to her. Seemed odd? Without warning, he did what I can only describe as a full frontal open armed type of stage dive (from his wagon) on top of his sister, laughing and giggling the whole way. Ohhh...this child. Whoever said baby number 3 was going to be easy...was LYING, clearly. It all happened so fast and even though I was only steps away I didn't get there in time to stop the madness. Flash forward...My daughter crying, with this WTF startled look on her face. Meanwhile her baby brother still on top of her within about 1 inch from her face smiling. He had knocked the wind out of her. I was attempting to help while trying to keep from laughing. I saved those laughs for later when I had to walk in the other room because it was so hilarious but you can't just openly laugh..duh.. Finally, the crying has stopped. The baby had done his job and his idol was now awake and he began his normal day of playing. My daughter started her at this point well warranted middle child ranting. Daughter: See..this is why I hate being in the middle, and THIS is why it's so unfair, and why do I have to be the only girl? Me: Yes dear...it's completely unfair, and I have no idea why your little brother proceeded to wagon dive onto you this morning (giggle).
Conclusion: I see her point I do. There's nothing I can do to really fix it except lavish her with pedicures, clearly my only option...

PS: Picture of her taken on the actual morning of this incident. She obviously deserved a latte, decaf of course.

Top 12 in 2012

Just go with it....no particular order

1. Anxiety: When making friends always remember that the friend and I are most likely very similar. This is not super helpful when neither of us want to drive over a bridge in a particular small although super sporty red rental car. 

2. Boats: Overall, not a good idea. I will thank him publicly. He knows who he is. I had a very bad near drowning experience over the summer. Completely my fault (lack of judgement). He jumped in without hesitation. I will be forever thankful. We both know it...Moving on.

3. Cooking: I really hate it. It's a work in progress. I think it's a patience thing. I make excuses in my head like...maybe I would like to cook more it if I had granite counter tops? Or, Oooh, it's probably more fun with one of those colorful cool looking 21 feature all in one food processors? Let's face it. I have no idea how to even work one of those. Either way, my children get fed.

4. Dancing: The best dance of all is the "My period came," 15 second one. Do not judge me. I didn't say when I did this dance...I was sort of married in the beginning of the year. Either way, it can all be related back to one word. Ambien.

5. Emergencies: A single mom emergency is not always the same as an "actual" emergency.  I'm working on this too.

6.  Friendships: I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the wonderful gals in my life. They know who they are. They are worth their weight in tequila.

7. Grad school: It's lurking...Rearing its ugly head every now and then.  Quite a few of my friends have already started programs. Whatever, overachievers. I'm going to continue to continually think about postponing it..For just a little bit longer.

8. Happiness: The other day I looked in the mirror and I saw myself.  Obviously. But this time I saw something different. Completely. I saw smiling eyes looking back. Sappy, but ABSOLUTELY true.

9. Idiots: Larger population in the single men gene pool. I'm not ready to talk about that yet. Eventually. But let's just say...slim pickens ladies. Slim pickens.

10. Kiddos: Easy to explain. My heart. My soul. My everything. I don't have to be a super mom. I just have to be their mom. I am blessed. Truly.

11. Vacation: Best to spend it with someone that you actually like. So much easier. Who doesn't like the beach after all? One day I will live by the sea.

12. Writing: I know it seems like I went in alphabetical order. That's because I did. You're thinking...OCD much? Although I didn't plan it that way. However, sometimes what comes out is completely different than what I originally perceived. In a good way. That is the whole lesson for 2012.  And the word that I am using to sum up my entire year is....... THANKFUL!!!!!!!!

This sh*t is REAL!!!!

Yes, this shit is real. This was a comment made by a friends relative on facebook. Back story. Wait for it, wait for it...... Basically, her relative in a nutshell is running out of unemployment time and now has to go out and search for a job. Lets keep in mind that  I write about things that I perceive to be funny. Fact...I am surrounded by a group of awesome folks who constantly keep me laughing. I can turn almost any situation into a WTF moment.  It's a gift. At least that's how I view it.   Please do not think I am  passing judgement. I understand the need for unemployment and how so many Americans today do not have a job. Men and women who are ready, willing and able desperately hoping for an opportunity to go back to work. I get that, I really do. However, I'm not exactly sure that the person in question falls into that category.  Either way...no if ands or buts about it, this was the most hilarious thing I have heard all week. I was consumed with breathtaking laughter for quite some time.  We both were . On a side note...I'm a big believer in "earning" your living. In my opinion, work is good for the soul.  I always say that if I won the lottery I would donate most of it. Ok..that's just a theory. That could always change. Here's just a short list of what I wouldn't purchase...
1. Gold toilets?
2. An excessive collection of some ridiculous looking figurines. In my head looks like Precious Moments...I don't know.
3. Obviously....no weird exotic type of animal...Especially if they fall into the big cat spectrum.
All of these things I have seen on the Lottery changed my life show. Unreal America. Starving children...No one needs gold toilets.

Conclusion: I AM IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE, but yes...This shit is real.

The Entitled Offspring

I think it might be time for an overall parenting makeover, on my part at least. True, my children are kind, polite, gentle and say please and thank you...BUT they are also acting a little entitled as of late. Here's how the story goes. I let my children open up one gift today. I usually let them each open up one  gift early.  My older son got an I tunes gift card. My daughter got a pair of cowgirl boots. The baby just some bath toys (he didn't really care, he was more involved in the paper.) Daughter: This is all I get? How come I didn't get something more fun? Son: Mom, We really need to upgrade the gaming system we have. We have something way cooler at our dads house. I shot them both a Medusa look. Me: Are you kidding me right now? You griped all fall about wanting these cowgirl boots. You think we need a gaming system update? What you both need is a REALITY CHECK. Do you know how many children don't even get ONE Christmas gift? Do you know how many children just want a hot meal? Walk away...followed by a count to ten, which ended up being a count to 50. How did these children get this way? Then it dawns on me. Oh yes....I'm part of the problem. So are their grandparents (many sets with divorced and then remarried parents.) Those poor kids..Let's make up for it by buying them every gift under the sun so they never have to want for anything. I'm guilty of it as well. I know. Fixing the problem. Hmmmm. This is a hard one. Teaching them the act of being appreciative needs to come from me. I need to model the virtue of a grateful heart. In my head I do this. I am very  grateful. Actually, the word that I am going to use regarding the whole year of 2012 is THANKFUL!!! I'm not sure why they're missing the message. I realize that some of this behavior is normal and that comparatively to their friends they are pretty appreciative. I have seen one of my daughter's friends have a full course melt down when she didn't get the right color of  shirt at her birthday party. I couldn't stop staring...It was unreal. In my head I kept envisioning those little ingrates on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. However, that doesn't do anything to help my cause. It just shows me that I need to definitely take action now. So here's what I'm going to do.
1) More volunteer work, with kiddos in tow. Soup kitchen, Elderly visits. There's got to be some sort of volunteer with your kids program.
2) Reinforce good behavior. Manners, kindness etc. Give credit when credit is due.
3) Buy them less, and instruct grandparents to do so as well.
4) Spending budget? ( Maybe, those words don't flow well out of my mouth)

Conclusion: That's all I have so far. I am going to start this after the new year. I will post about how it goes. I'm hoping for the best. I can't exactly go all "Swiss Family Robinson" and move them to a deserted island and catch our dinners and build our home. We all know how that would turn out. Bottom line. Saying does not go" Give your kids a fish so they can ask for a PS3," but I might be wrong :)

Preparing for the Snowpocalypse...

What happens when you combine the first snow of the season within 24 hours of the end of the world? In my head...Snowpocalypse, perhaps. Let me just preface that these 2 events are currently in the alleged category. Either way it means a trip to Walgreen's. I love Walgreen's. It's so close and it has a perfect combination of just about everything one could ever need. Yes...I know it's a little bit more expensive then the local grocery but well worth not having to drag 3 kiddos out too far in the rain (snowpocalypse precursor apparently). Mainly, what I needed was some chips and dip for a work shindig but I also decided to stock up on some things, just in case. In my basket: 2 bags of Tostitos, 2 jars of dip, 3 bags of Corn puffs (staple), 1/2 gallon of milk, scotch tape (never can have enough of this), pop and bread. The bread was a battle. There was only 1 loaf left and a older gentleman and I both locked eyes on it at the same time. I mean older as in 50ish. He looked at me and the 3 kids and then he realized he had lost, just on principal alone and strolled on by. He was irritated. Yeah..Merry Christmas to you too Ass, but out loud I said "Thank You" complimented with a huge smile. Whatever Grinch. I know...borderline boring story except for the Mayan apocalypse thing. Here's the funny part. Son: Mom, maybe you should grab an extra bottle of wine. Perhaps I'm sending the wrong message. Me: Ok dear, but I have some wine at home that has been sitting there for 2 months...Eye roll from me (seriously, when did he become so judgemental). Daughter: Why are all of these people here and why is everyone acting so crazy?  Son: Um duh...Didn't you hear that it's going to be the end of the world on Friday? Daughter: No...who the heck said that? That is just plain stupid. Me: Honey, don't use that word please. Daughter: Seriously, that is dumb....Me: I know dear. Agreed.

PS...Okay, all of those things in my grocery cart plus 1 bottle of wine. Red. It's good for the heart and it was ON SALE. I mean...just in case :)

Beans on the ceiling.....

This is a picture of my actual ceiling. If you look very closely, you will see something brown that resembles and is in fact, a bean stain. You're thinking hmmm, how odd? Not in my world. Here's my rationale. On a whole, parenting in general is stressful on most days. Comparatively equated to a ride through hell...if you will. It becomes twice as hard when you do the majority of the job solo. However, that being said, being a mother is also the best thing that has ever happened to me. I realize that the coupling of responsibility and joy these children bring into my life isn't something that I can even begin to measure. This is one of those stories and a reminder of how blessed I am to be their mom. Enough sapp. Ok. One day after I had finished eating dinner (beans was one of the sides) I started the task of clearing off the table and dish rinsing. My two older children were still eating. Of course, my back was turned to them and I was focused on dishes and not paying much attention to what they were doing. The baby was crawling around the living room and I didn't have much time before I needed to go and grab him. After I left the room I kept hearing giggling coming from the table. The giggling did make me a little nervous (usually means mischief)  but I was pretty focused on our nightly rituals at that point, which includes: baths, snacks, teeth brushing and bedtime. Nothing out of the norm. The next morning at breakfast for no particular reason in general I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Me: Uhhhh, hey guys...what is that on the ceiling? Kids: What, what are you talking about? Me: I don't know...the brown bean that is now clearly obvious and stuck to the ceiling. What a coincidence...we had beans last night at dinner. Kids: Weird...I wonder how it got there? Me: Yeah, me too. Followed by an extreme amount of smiling/laughter all while trying to keep a straight face, until I finally started giggling too. To clarify...I did remove the bean, but when my dad came and repainted the ceilings of my house I told him the kitchen was ok and that he didn't need to paint it. This was hard for my wonderfully perfectionist father. Him: You have some sort of stain up there...you sure you don't want me to paint it? Me: No dad, it fine. Him: You sure? It won't take long. Me: Dad...thank you but leave the DAMN bean stain up there... please. Him: You girls drive me nuts. Me: I know dad...I know. Yes, when it comes to my children I am somewhat sentimental. Along the same line as probably why I don't mind little hand prints on my mirrors (yes they get cleaned) but it makes me smile. Also the same reason why when my last child takes a sharpie to the wall instead of painting over it..I am just going to stick an empty frame around it. He's the LAST one...yes, last. It's an act worth commemorating.

Conclusion: When I am having an OMG mom moment where I want to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to escape the madness (and sometimes do)  I will remember that someday life will slow down. I will miss their laughter, their hand prints, their missing teeth under their pillows and even the damn Disney princess movies. I remind myself of that every time I see that bean stain on my ceiling. Life is too short. Kiss your little ones extra hard tonight and be thankful you have been given this opportunity. Not everyone has :)

Overwhelming the country mouse....

Ahhh. The city and the country mouse fable. One of my absolute favorites. I know that behind the story there is a deep rooted meaning of living a simple vs complex life and how by doing this the country mouse never wanted for anything and kept himself out of trouble. The city mouse...not so  much. Whatever, I get it. I'm part of the problem...I'm okay with it. When I was little I remember  thinking how bored that country mouse must be. Quick pause for capitalistic society upbringing recognition and thanks. I feel like we're working on it, kind of.  Ok..back to the real issue. I had a friend come and visit me this past weekend. He lives in and is from a VERY small town. My version of  a country mouse. He has traveled to larger cities prior. This was not his first outing...Thank you Jesus.  However, he was still surprised by what he saw. I do not live in a big city. It is located close to a biggish city. In my opinion it is rather small in comparison to I don't know...Boston (a big city in my head.)  Here is what made me laugh about the visit. At dinner I ordered a large margarita (not driving.) Apparently, margaritas are smaller in the country. Well here..in the city, we have small, medium, large and jumbo. The jumbo is a BIG one..2 hander. Another question. At the movies. Him: You guys have laser tag inside of your movie theatre? I was walking out and I did glance over at the Laser Tag sign that apparently I had never noticed before? Amazing what little things we take for granted. Me: Umm, I guess we do. I don't really "play" laser tag often. Why, you guys don't? Followed by a strange look. Ok, not super funny. I'm getting there give me a second. Another thing. Getting a pumpkin latte at Starbucks which is conveniently located inside my local Target (pronounced Tarjay...in my head, french and all :) ) Me: You guy's don't have a Starbucks in your Target? Him: We don't have a Target....Oh...Oh... The thing that impressed the  country mouse beyond belief turns out to be our local Waffle House. Goes like this. Him: Oh My God...What is that? That's your guy's Waffle House? Me: Uhh..Yeah, sure is.  Him: Wow, that's amazing!!! It's ridiculous. Where do the truck driver's park? Me: I'm not really sure? I don't think they go to that one. Him: Our Waffle House is like the size of a shoe box. Me: Are you serious right now? Out of all the things you have seen, the Waffle House is what makes you lose your shit?  Really??  Him: It's so new and shiny...and it's not gross like ours is at home. Me: Yeah...I wouldn't know, I don't eat there..If I'm feeling at all like waffles I would rather just skip it and do crepes, so much better overall.  Followed by the most bewildered look of sadness in his eyes that basically stated "I feel so sorry for that insanely beautiful Waffle House that you are to snobby to eat at here in the city look." Him: Can we stop and go in and take pictures? Me: No, we're not doing that. I'm sure there's some on the google...perhaps?

PS...In my defense, it was pouring down rain and I think that the Waffle House employees might have called the police if someone just walked in looking amazed and started taking random shots of the employees and the booths. Yes, he was also shocked that there were more than 2 employees working there at one time. I know...I know, I should of let him stop and do it. I will next time...Fine :)

Mom....You're Dog is acting like a PUSSY!!!

Please know that the word up above in all caps was damn near impossible for me to type without wanting to insert an asterisks sign. What is even more concerning is that those words actually came out of my 8 year old daughter's mouth. Let me paint a picture. My kiddos had spent almost a full week at their father's house during the Thanksgiving holiday. I went to pick them up tonight after a long day of working.  We arrive home. I ask my daughter to help me and to let the dog out of his kennel to go outside. It's cold..he hesitates, I get it. My daughter then says and I quote..."Mom, you're dog is acting like a pussy, he doesn't want to go outside."At that moment I stopped dead in my tracks. My son tried jumping to his sisters defense, or just to try to jump in period. I think he feared for her...Truly. What happened next went as follows: The look of terror in my eyes. Followed by the look of confusion and the instant dropping of my bag unexpectedly. His mouth opened to speak before my mouth was even shut. He said..."We don't say that word here." Again..what?  Clarification please.  As in...You're ALLOWED to say words of that caliper at your dad's house? "No, mom." Backpedal followed by him thinking extremely fast on his feet and then some tripping over his own words. "I mean, we've heard that word before though." "Really, Because I'm 100% certain I've never said it!" By this point my daughter is crying, not realizing the severity or perhaps meaning of the word she used. Although...She did use it completely correct if she wanted to refer to a woman's anatomy in a derogatory way. Again, she did not hear that come out of my feminist liberal mouth..for sure. I explained to her that it was not her fault. Sometimes things seems to make sense at the time when you say them..sort of. That perhaps she thought it meant something else? That it's okay to say it one time on ACCIDENT but If I EVER hear it again...like that, or just otherwise, it will be followed by a punishment. I made it VERY CLEAR that this was her one time get out of jail free card and I better not EVER hear it again. She seemed to understand and apologized. I then started the task of explaining why people use that word in general to different things in essence making a round about reference to girls/women being the whiny weaker counterpart of men. That's when she had the Ahh Haa moment.  I could see the little Oh Heck No wheels spinning in her head...Yes, she is my daughter and she FINALLY got the reference!!! The next thing I did after I put the kids to bed was to send a text message to her father regarding his daughter using the P word and maybe IF he was using that word perhaps he could TRY to sensor it around his OWN DAUGHTER!!!  He then proceeded to tell me she probably heard me say it...I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Yeah...I'm constantly throwing down the P word over here...Using it in sentences. Referring to my own anatomy in a derogatory way..Whatever idiot.
Conclusion:
I'm no angel..Less June Cleaver..more Kathy Griffin. They might have heard me curse a time or two but I try not too, and I'm working on it. But rest assured...no P word usage at this household.
 I'm a firm believer in picking my battles. When dealing with crazy or even semi crazy it's best just to pick things that are only COMPLETE DEAL BREAKERS to have conversations with their father about.
The dealbreakers list...so far...
1. Don't let the kids run with knives, or scissors..duh.
2. If you're going to cuss please don't use derogatory horrible words either referring to vagina's, other races, or homosexuals...I'm not going to tolerate any of those words...EVER.
3. And please remember that although you watch a super cool show about a biker gang (Sons of Anarchy) that it's probably not appropriate to let our son watch it. I don't watch the show myself..but I hear there are some serious sexual scenes, raping of women, kidnapping, and other EXTREME things that PROBABLY isn't the best TV choice for a 10 year old...Seriously, no brainer.

The cherry on my sundae...It gets even better. My little baby's dad told me that he was starting to notice that he was beginning to take his fingers and act like he was shooting things, like a gun. He then asked me if I...had shown him this?? Inside my head I thought...hmmm...seems like this is a natural thing that little boys learn and just do, but rest assured in all of my FREE time as a single mom to 3 kids, working my rear off and running a household and moving at 90 miles an hour most of the time... does that seem like a Valid question to even ask? But out loud I said.."Oh yeah...Did I not tell you? We started shooting guns over here this week...a little pre toddler get him ready for deer season if you will, seemed like a good idea to me, don't you agree?" Of course..he was speechless, and THAT made the whole P word usage and otherwise rough day in general ALL WORTH IT!!!!
Happy Monday

1 fat leg and a pair of hooker boots please....

A true letter

Dear Ellen,
I am in need of a new pair of boots. Hooker boots if you will. They're not for me, but for a really great friend. Here is the back story, always important when asking for something of this nature. I have a friend named Stella. Her husband is in the military and she moves around with him. I could play the whole military card, which is awesome because he has served our country and has been overseas and all of that (was once a DJ in Kuwait..random) but I'm not going to go that route. I feel as though it was divine intervention that she was sent to this great state of Missouri (termed Misery by some) to help me. We're kind of two peas in a pod. I was in a horrible marriage. I didn't really recognize it, but she did right away. She likes to say that she is responsible for my divorce...in a good way. Her whole WTH attitude and her general assessment was spot on, and I will be forever grateful to her for it.. Okay enough sapp. The MAIN reason of this letter is to tell you that she is in desperate need..of hooker boots. IT'S ACTUALLY THE ONLY THING I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! She has a condition to where one of her legs is actually bigger than the other one. It's called May-Thurner syndrome. It basically boils down to this..She has 1 fat leg...fat foot, all the way up to her pelvis because of poor blood flow. The other leg is normal size, and it overcompensates and has good blood flow. She was diagnosed with this condition when she was around 13. Since that time she has had to wear special shoes, she has to buy special jeans, all of that. Sooooo unfair. She is a very small petite person and she weighs about 95 pounds. I swear 2/3 of that weight is in her fat leg. Just to clarify, she calls it her "fat leg." I would never call it that if she did not. She does really well with this most of the time. Because of the poor blood flow she often will get an infection from even the teeny tiniest of cuts on her foot. She has to be hospitalized a few times a year for this. She doesn't really complain about it much either!!! However, it is hard to find a pair of boots that fit her. My friends and I have all been shopping for trendy new boots (tall and skinny, up the leg) and I feel so awful that she can't wear any. I know...there are kids with cancer...I get it, but this is kind of a big deal too. What she represents to me is about ALOT more than boots. Really...not asking for money, or a trip, or a new house, or ANYTHING else. However, I would love to surprise her with boots!!!!
PS...Love you love your show...I mean you could always surprise us with boots and a babysitter, to go out and show off the new boots of course!!! A combo pack if you will..

Thanks

Haunted Housing, Golden Girl Style

Yes. You read the caption right. That's right. Haunted Houses. I don't know what possessed me to think I was in my early 20's versus my current age of 35. I think it was somehow related to some great friends and a minor amount of peer pressure. Whatever..It was fun, sort of. Ahhh. Haunted houses take me back to my younger days of going on dates in my late teens.  Boys who worked feverishly to afford to take me to Denny's post night out. I think some of them might have borrowed their mom's credit card to pay. It's the thought that counts right?  The eventful night in question started out with margaritas. Perhaps, this is where I went wrong. 1 margarita, 2 margarita, 3 margarita's later (do not judge, I was not driving) all 4 of us piled into the car to head down to the super scary haunted houses area. Not only is it scary inside but it is also a little bit scary outside as well. We stopped to use the restroom at a local gas station. This is where I proceeded to ummm...trip UP a curb. Curb check if you will, with my ankle. Totally busted my ass. Awesome. At the time, there was no pain and it was fine. Again, hindsight vision is always 20/20. However, we were on a mission. Girls out without kiddos or doggies on a Thursday!!!! That's right...MID WEEK. We stood in a VERY LONG line for the first haunted house. Alongside us was about 200 pre-teens, and maybe a few teens. Oh, and one very lonesome lost looking dad, who clearly had drawn the short straw on the parenting front. I felt for him..I really did. During the line wait the usual happened where the weirdo guy comes around with his rat (no one is afraid of rats..hamsters are the real biters, duh) and proceeds to put him inside of his mouth. Sir...I have seen you do this many times, since I was 16, I'm over it. My friends and I bitched about not having a flask and having to wait in line. Finally we got to go in. It was SCARY...Like peeing our pants scary. By this time I was still hobbling on the now visibly swollen ankle that I was ignoring. We were all screaming and falling down (not due to tequila this time) and squinting our eyes shut. We made it through the first one finally. At the end there was a long slide. I'm just gonna throw it out there..straight up. The dad DID NOT go down the slide. Chicken exit...what? I felt like I am as old as him, and my rear went down it. That's right. Rock star. The second haunted house was much easier. No lines, almost closed, very late. Their peeps were much more aggressive. Once proceeded to pop my friend in the mouth. All I can say is that it's a good thing it was dark because she was about to lay an ass whipping on him. Then, they decided to call us bitches and say and I quote.. "What's up golden girls, isn't it a little late for you?" Oh hell no..this is when we all 4 got a little nuts. Eeerrrp..whoa, suddenly we weren't scared. We all turned around and gave him a BIG PIECE of our minds. Asshole..seriously. I was already having a hard time keeping Alabama in check (she knows who she is.) She was about to get straight up gangster, and Sweeps..well, she grew up in the hood so the fact that this man did not walk out holding his balls in hand was a miracle. Thank God for the sweet one in the group. I don't care what she says..she is a angel..truly :)
Moral of the story goes like this. One x-ray and 2 weeks later, Rose is still limping on her swollen ankle. It was fun..REALLY REALLY fun, but I got my ass handed to me that night, for sure. Next year maybe I will be the parent who's in line with my older son..I mean I doubt it, he has zero interest, so strange. Let me just clarify though if I am that parent there with all the kiddos...You can bet your butt I will be taking the slide down. CHICKEN!!!!!

Kidnapping an X-Box...Allegedly

This week there has been some real DB interaction. I mean..pushing to a whole new level of irritation on the Mr. No standpoint.  During these times, I look for clarity with humor. It helps, tremendously. One time I remember specifically had to deal with a trusted friend and her now..ex boyfriend. He's been an ex for a while. He takes jackassery to a whole new level. However, hindsight is 20/20 indeed. My friend has her shit together, and pretty much always has. I don't know how she managed to fall for this guy. He had the personality of an amoeba. I clearly, have no room to talk..that is besides the point. One night after they had broken up she asked for my help in a insane..Dixie Chicks type of plan. No, not Earl had to die..less law breaking on many levels, but a humdinger for sure. Let's do some background info. This boy..yes I said boy was 25. She had caught him lying to her for about the 50th time. This time, it included pictures, which of course he tried to deny even when he was caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He brought special to a whole new ballgame..field if you will.  I'm not trying to sound like a nutso femi-nazi bi atch but seriously, she was and is way out of his league..Always. I think she fell into the "I'm going to fix him category." Jobs later, minus health insurance taking substance abuse and lying to a whole new level..I think she was finally done. His loss..She clearly is a rock star, super attractive, witty, intelligent girl, who would do anything for me. So, in her revenge she wanted to get him where it really hurt. Being the grown up that he was..we went straight for the X-box. Conversation and details as follows. Her: Do you want to help me out? I'm going to misplace his X-box for an extended period of time. Me: Of course..You know you don't have to ask me twice. Her: Ok, he will be here in an hour to pick up his stuff, I will bring it over now. Me: I'm in. So, maybe we didn't really think this through too much. It would have been better to hold it for ransom, but again..Who the hell was going to pay that shit? Even though we didn't take it to the extreme level we could have the results were still AWESOME. He came over to pick up his things (X box) really, let's be honest. He was all...Where's my X-box..to which she replied, what X-box? We kept this going for at least 18 hours. That is the amount of time it took for him to have a complete melt down and lose his shit. No...not because he was losing his awesome girlfriend, not because he was jobless and she had been paying for his expenses for over 6 months..He lost it my friends..over an X-box. He threatened to call the cops, we played along for a little bit, but eventually we gave in and handed over the 12 year old in a 25 year old man body's video game..but it was rough, and we both loved EVERY minute of it. I don't care if it came across as evil. This man put her through hell and back and he is lucky I didn't beat him down myself. I threatened it, he didn't seem scared..Whatever,...he's never seen me rumble, obviously.
Conclusion: We all fall for idiots. The key is to not make the same mistake again...or times four. Don't judge.
PS- I also don't care if this post makes me or her sound completely freaking crazy. Bottom line, We absolutely are. True Story.

Sir..Where are the Pink Hammers?

Alas, a new mission. I have this 40ish lb mirror hanging in my entryway, that I love. In making changes all around I decided to move it from the wall and perhaps hang it on my fireplace mantle instead. So, off to the Home Depot I went. I love Home Depot. They are super helpful there and I'm not going to lie..a bunch of boys walking around wearing tool belts, what's not to like? Ok, focus. So there I am at Home Depot trying to explain to the guy in the isle my dilemma about my big ass mirror. Conversation went like this.
Me: I want to rehang a large mirror in my house. Him: Do you have a stud finder? Me: Um..that's a personal question. Do you think if I owned one of those I would be here in this store trying to figure out how to hang a mirror by myself? AND...wouldn't you agree that a stud finder might in nature be specific to "one owns idea" of a stud in general? I mean, that topic is certainly something that is debatable? BUT...out loud I said..No, no I don't. Him: Where do you want to hang this mirror? Me: Well it's currently hanging on the wall but I really want to hang it on the fireplace. Him: Well do you have a diamond drill bit?  Me: In my head...WTF?  First he is asking me about a stud finder and now he is asking me if I am using some sort of diamond type apparatus for drilling, instead of wearing as a jewelry piece..so I said..No..I do not have any sort of diamond drilling device at home, just jewelry. Seriously, he's got to be just f-ing with me at this point. Him: Who is going to help you hang this mirror?  Me: Uh, none of your business that's who? And we're there. I should have probably also prefaced in this post that it was PMS week and I might have been a little edgy. Doesn't matter. All that means is that my bitch o meter just moves a little quicker than usual when angered. I get that this  man was charming and trying to help. I do. I will give him credit for being patient. However, he did not have to turn it into a who's the man that's going to get this job done right issue? OH HELL NO, because even though I had no idea about this whole diamond drill situation he was really beginning to piss me off.  I was at the brink of having a I am Sheera hear me roar moment, and I'm quite sure that he had no intention of the extent of that chick and I didn't really want to have to go all femi-nazi at Home Depot today. Sensing the fact that I was getting really irritated he stopped talking and asking questions..good move sir. At this point I was just thinking that maybe I should just leave the damn mirror where it is versus buying some sort of diamond ruining drill (again waste of a diamond). So, there was a long pause where I looked at him and him at me and finally after much deliberation I said....Well, do you at least have one of those pink breast cancer awareness hammers that I keep seeing all over? I mean, it's October which is breast cancer awareness month. Him: I have no idea what you are talking about ma'am. Me: OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!! Screw it...I'm going to Lowe's.

Happy Hump Day!!!

From Disney to 50 Shades

I was watching Tangled for the umpteenth time the other day with my daughter. I like the story line..don't get me wrong. I think Walt's peeps have their hearts in the right place, truly. However, they are kind of feeding our daughter's straight up BS. Every Disney show...related to chicks or princesses or any sort of female main character, all the same. So then we have these girls, my daughter included, who think it's going to be all white horses and fairy tales. The other day I was listening intently as she talked about "when she grows up." "I can't wait to get married and have babies, after college." Because this is my mantra...Okay whatever you want to do.. AFTER COLLEGE. Running through my head though was Really, really? I bought you tonka trucks, I tried to steer you away from my families inherited obsession with shoes. I signed you up for soccer and t-ball versus dance. I made sure that you played in the mud, touched bugs and didn't exclusively wear pink. What I want to hear her say is "Mom, I can't wait until I'm a kick ass attorney and I totally rock my job." I would even settle for social worker, police officer, trash collector..whatever I'm game. This is where Walt comes in and screws us..royally. I don't recall Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella (ok, maybe her), Ariel or Bella going to college, having jobs, working? It's kind of an unrealistic story which we all love to believe in at some point during our young impressionable girl youth. Okay, maybe I'm being to hard on her. I'm sure with me as her mother she will get there, fingers crossed. Which brings me to my next point. One word. Edward. Now, after the Disney mind f -ing...Our young tweens are reading and watching a romantic love story where a mystical vampire can sense when the love of his life is in danger. It's like she doesn't even have to beckon him. He just comes magically running, at the speed of light, during any dangerous situation. Don't get me wrong. I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. We already have our tickets for the very last show because we're team Edward and we're going with some friends (child with two moms) and of course they're all team Bella..which is fine. Either way, I'm there. Yes, I'm part of the problem, I'm working on it. Finally, my last point. After our young impressionable daughters are taunted by Disney, then messed with by Edward, in comes Christian. Ahhh... Christian. Again. I get it. I'm all about the naughty romantic/soft-sometimes- hard pornish books that are all the rave. However, I am a grown woman and I REALIZE that what Christian has on the table is a complete farce. I'm hoping, no praying, that these girls of today DO NOT get their hands on these books until after they have had a little bit of life experience.  I mean again..Isn't a super attractive, billionaire, who completely worships you in an almost fatal attraction kind of way (minus the bunnies) who is well hung and can have sex 50 times a day completely the norm? Yes..totally the norm, catch my drift.
Conclusion: yes this post is a bit negative..sorry, if you can't handle it read a different freaking blog where the moms are competing to see who has the best projects-recipes and who gets the most done in 24 hours. This IS NOT that blog. Reality..Marriage can be wonderful, but a prince today is a man or woman who notices you haven't brushed your hair or teeth for 2 days and makes the connection all on his own (key point) that you might need some help. Picks up his own dirty socks off the floor. Teaches our daughters how to change their own oil and tires. Is okay that I might and possibly do make more money than him, and has his shit completely together in the bedroom. BUT and this is a big BUT..if a cool 500 year old vampire who can read my thoughts, never needs to sleep, worships the ground I walk in because he truly thinks I'm the coolest person in the world comes along...I'm out :)